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The Story of Thanksturkey Day, as read by Matt

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Matt

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The story of Thanksturkey Day begins when a modest sailor named Christopher Columbine High School told the Queen of Britishland that he wanted to sail away from that hellhole and make a new land. Little did he realize that land can't be created nor destroyed, but the Queen didn't know either, since women weren't allowed to know things back then. Unfortunate, but not the point. So she gave him three ships, the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria. The Santa Maria as a fine vessel, and many craved to ride in her cabin. But she did not crave them, herself. She was always...different. She was very close with Nina. Always side by side on the open sea, rocking gently in unison. Nina was always drawn to the way Santa Maria's sails rippled in the wind.
Now, Christopher noticed this admiration and found it unnatural. So, he tried to set up Santa Maria with Pinta, which was a guy boat. You can tell because Pinta sounds like Pinto, a slang term for penis, used primarily in South America, so that makes him a guy. So, Christopher tried to get Santa Maria to go out with him, urged them, really, but Santa Maria wouldn't have any of that. So Pinta had to watch as Santa Maria and Nina spent time together as they crossed the wild ocean. People began to notice and call Santa Maria and Nina heathens and stuff, which was really mean. Just because their ship didn't come true doesn't mean that they're heathens. That's total malarky. I call shenanigans. Anyway, Nina came out of the boat closet and confessed her love for Santa Maria. She said "I love the way the wind gently rocks you back and forth, your shape keeps you from sinking because of buoyancy nonsense that them scientists invented and junk."
Santa Maria was confused, but slowly came to terms with who she was. They eloped or something, and eloped to the new world, which is conveniently where they were already headed, so they didn't have to make a separate trip. In the new world, they could be free of British rule and be true to themselves. But the pilgrims didn't like that, so when they got to Cape Cod, the tied them to the pier and ran off to have dinner with the Native Americans. But Nina was a crafty lass, and slipped out of the ropes. She told Santa Maria to wait, that she'd go back to the old world and get help, and she sailed off into the sunset. A storm hit and sunk her, but no one knew since she was by herself. Days went by, becoming weeks, becoming months. No one saw or heard from her, and Santa Maria was devastated.
The pilgrims woke up from their food-induced comas one day and wondered where their ship had gone. They untied Pinta and Santa Maria to board and look for the boat, which was a stupid idea, but then Santa Maria took off as fast as she could, crying. They wanted to bring Nina back just so they could keep them separate, she thought, and went as fast as she could, crashing into Plymouth Rock, capsizing into the wild crazy ocean water, never to be seen again.
The pilgrims felt bad, but they were too busy coming up with new ways to market the new corn craze: Maize. They could make it on the cob, off the cob, even a maize maze. They wanted to market that stuff pronto in time for the Christmas season rush on the first ever Black Friday, which was actually a Wednesday, about several months past the current Black Friday that we all know and have come to dread as we stand in the freezing cold for twelve hours after a huge meal so we can get those damn Polly Pocket dolls for little Sarah and Carlie and those Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots for Daniel and Steven.
At the bottom of the sea, Santa Maria ran into Nina and the Titanic. They were having rough sex. "Hey, there," Said Titanic. "You should join us," said Nina. "I hope you don't go down TOO quickly," Santa Maria laughed nervously to Titanic. "I have all the latest gadgets, honey," Titanic said. Then they had a big crazy three-way sex romp. And then ate corn and turkey.
The End.


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Akanesasusora

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...Seeing as the Kids were created through ectobiology instead of sexual intercourse, it appears that fuck is as fake as magic, too.


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okaeri, gensoukyou e

Matt

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What you have read, Akane, is likely the beginning of a series of terribly blasphemous holiday origin stories, as written and read by me.


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